I am a survivor of a teenage neighbor's abuse. It happened about 30 years ago when I was an 8 year-old boy. He had tried to seduce me but I wasn't interested (I think I was precocious for my age). One day, I was swimming in their pool when his mother decided to go to the grocery store and told him (Robert) to keep an eye on me.

Well, he tried to persuade me to have sex with him, but I said no. That wasn't the answer he was looking for, so he held me underwater for awhile. He let me up for air and asked again. I said no. Down I went again for a little longer. He let me have some air and asked again. I said no. This time, he held me under for a long time, and I started to really panic. I punched him in the balls. Well, I don't remember much after that... I can only remember lying at the end of the pool out of the water. I guess he pulled me out... I don't think he did me any favors by doing so.

I was dragged down to the basement of his parents' house and stripped. I remember it in the fog my mind was in. He forced me to perform fellatio and then he positioned me to sodomize me. I don't remember him actually doing it... I just remember begging him not to. I was threatened that he would kill me and my parents if I told anyone.

He continued to abuse me for a period of time afterwards. I can't remember how long. I remember being hospitalized for epileptic seizures, and I strongly suspect that it was from a blow to my head in the pool and almost drowning. The doctors put me on a drug to control the seizures (always grand mal seizures). I was on the drug into my late teens.

I remembered my abuse after we moved, when I was 14. I couldn't sleep at night, and cried alot. The problems of the world I bore. I got into playing guitar at that time and have been playing guitar ever since. It was my only means of release.

When I was 19, I told my mother what had happened and all she did was ask me if I was gay. I figured out that I'm not, but I wondered for awhile.

My mother never told my father until I was triggered by sexual harassment at work by a male, apparently jealous that I was dating a woman at work when I was 34. I went on medical leave and therapy for a year, and found out about Zoloft (an antidepressant) from a girl in the condominium complex who had also been abused. It helps me avoid slipping into depression... a lot of stress tends to push me into depression.

I earned a degree in engineering and was an avid weightlifter as well as musician. I also abused alcohol and many other drugs throughout my teens and all through my twenties. I was fortunate in that I could still get good grades and be totally out of control with drugs at the same time.

I've been in and out of therapy numerous times, but would like to be in a support group. My marriage is failing as I've let my wife ruin my finances, and am considering divorce. I feel weak in trying to get my life back into my control. I've fallen in love with another woman over the internet who is also a survivor of sexual abuse.

I've been fortunate in many ways... a family with enough money to send me to college, good looks, a brain... but I would trade it all to have not had to live through so much pain, which continues to this day. I think child abusers should be publicly beheaded... that would be justice. It wouldn't cure the suffering that has befallen us who have had to try to survive the horrible scarring of abuse, but it would rid the world of inhuman beasts permanently. I feel this way now, and will until I face God on judgement day.

How could God allow this to happen to us? I still pray to God and I get little signs here and there when I really need them, but it is hard anyways. I feel tremendous empathy towards others who have suffered through abuse and haven't become child abusers themselves. I know your pain and you know mine.

I have learned that what was done to me is considered torture when I was abused. That I can carry the facade of normalcy in my everyday life is a miracle unto itself. I tried to commit suicide several times when I was a teenager... even now, when I'm suffering, the thought crosses my mind. I won't though. Knowing how many survivors are out there, maybe I can help ease your pain and, in doing so, ease mine as well.

I feel guilty because I want to meet my new love and I'm still married. I have to keep trying to grow and heal somehow, even if I have to divorce my wife. I'm not healing in my marriage.... its draining me emotionally and financially.

I have known so much pain and tears, but still I know how to laugh and make others laugh and feel some happiness. I hope my writing this helps someone who has suffered abuse. I'm out here too with pain and the loss of my childhood... I know pain well. There are smiles and happiness to be experienced in life, and you must remember that. It comes and goes, but it is really nice when you can laugh and feel happy and feel the love of someone who understands you. That someone is out here in this world.... another survivor... a close friend... husband.... wife... seek those people to help you.